rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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