wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
