i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
