She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
