I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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