My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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