i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
