The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
