Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
a search helicopter?!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
