Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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