I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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