don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize