He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
