I met the friendliest cop last night
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
