God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
