Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
