if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
