Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
