Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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