If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
