I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
