update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
