yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
