Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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