Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
