if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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