The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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