Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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