my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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