Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
