I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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