I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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