nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
