I must be too annoying 4 u.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
