i think my tv is drunk
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
