the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize