I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
