I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
