fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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