the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
