So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
