I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i will never coherently bang her
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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