White coat. Heels.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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