even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
