I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
