She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
