You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
