Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
