Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
