I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
