I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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