i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
