R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
