oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He felt like a one man threesome
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
