There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
