i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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