im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
