my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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