tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
